Chris Packham
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SMITHSWATCH 09

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Springwatch

Smithswatch 09


SMITHSWATCH 09

Chris Packham's eBay auction is over

eBay auction for Chris's Springwatch cue cards. All proceeds to BBC's Children in Need

Okay, it's time the truth was told . . . I'll keep it brief because I don’t want to convey any more self indulgence.

I like life to be a bit more difficult than it needs to be to keep me sharp, and I tend to get a bit bored without a real challenge so having something extra to amuse myself is always a good idea. On one live series I did years ago I would switch contributors' letters with those written by my mates, which I hadn’t previously read, and read these out instead. It was hilarious, but also absurdly dangerous as they were mad and had no concern for my reputation or my legal bills! I was mulling over a few potential Springwatch scams when a bloke I know, Neil, said that I should try to get a Smiths title into each show without anyone noticing. Perfect and probably possible I thought. However, the real challenge was to do it seamlessly, so that each title appeared to be relevant and not a gratuitous blot on the dialogue, so that non Smiths fans wouldn’t even notice and thus it wouldn’t be distracting or clumsy.

So I began with a low key ‘Hand in Glove’ back referencing Gordon’s mate Don on programme one and I then slipped in a very easy ‘What Difference Does it Make’ in prog’ two when considering the impact of a harder winter on wildlife. The eminently appropriate beauty of the Swallow in three fed me a ‘Handsome Devil’ . . . but by the following morning it was out. A researcher told me that the sharp eared survivors of the eighties had already become aware so I gave them a nice ‘Frankly Mr Shankly’ to confirm their suspicions and that it was ‘game on’. At this stage Kate, indeed no-one, was in on the game, just me and Neil, and about six puzzled folk on the message boards.

During rehearsals for programme four I sensed an opportunity for a neat ‘You Just Haven’t Earned it Yet Baby’ and asked Humble to tee me up with a line. Unaware of any need for precision she delivered a slightly different version and the retort, which became innuendo, caught her off guard. I felt bad about this so after apologising I explained the game to her and she was on board.

The Bustard display had me more excited than ever as the potential for ‘Vicar in a Tutu’ was a thing of beauty, ‘Bigmouth’ was easy and as soon as Bees were confirmed for eight I knew that the otherwise almost impossible ‘Queen is Dead’ was bagged. I botched ‘Stop Me’ a bit because I was trying hard to hide it and I had someone talking in my ear so then I thought I’d just go for broke and open the discographic floodgates.

Of the five in programme ten ‘Last Night’ was fed by Kate but the rest just seemed to flow in nicely. By now it was obvious that there were some very tricky big ones left and being a grateful gentleman I wanted Kate to have a corker to wrap everything up at the end of the last show – it was only fair to let her place the cherry on the cake as she had been such a good sport about the gag. ‘Coma’ was the toughest of all because of the potential to offend so we schemed the skit that was played out and since it also seemed to feed ‘Some Girls’ I put this in as a fleeting postscript, but in truth the glory was rightfully hers.

All the way along ‘William it was Really Nothing’ was hanging over me on account of Bill's association but I was never going to do it without his agreement. On Wednesday Kate and I sent him a text explaining our plan and he replied positively with the proviso that I not produce a cover version of the ‘Funky Gibbon’! It was lovely to be able to pay homage to the great man at the very top of the last programme and I honestly had to stifle a tear as I delivered the line.

I missed one couplet I had planned when introducing the last insert filmed at my home. I had it in my head to say something about going ‘Back to the Old House’ where ‘There is a Light that Never Goes Out’ which allows me to watch wildlife at night. The latter would have been a good score so, sorry, I blew it! From what I’ve been told at least a few fans of the great band enjoyed the game as much as me so I thought I’d put the four cards I used to keep score up for auction on E-Bay and donate any monies made to Children in Need this summer.

PS: The Jesus and Mary Chain. Apparently the tee caused offense . . . It wasn’t meant to but it's perversely rather nice that this equally awesome band can still upset people!

The Official List

1) Hand In Glove
2) What Difference Does It Make
3) Handsome Devil
4) Frankly Mr Shankly
5) You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby
6) Vicar In A Tutu
7) Bigmouth Strikes Again
8) The Queen Is Dead
9) Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before
10) 5 Titles: Still Ill, Sweet And Tender Hooligan, Oscillate Wildly, Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me, This Charming Man.
11) 9 Titles: Ask, Well I Wonder, Asleep, Cemetery gates, Nowhere Fast, Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, Unlovable, Sheila Take A Bow, I Know its Over
Trail -Panic
12) 10 Titles: William it was Really Nothing, I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish, Paint a Vulgar Picture, Headmaster Ritual, Is it Really So Strange , These Things Take time, Girlfriend in a Coma (by Kate), Some Girls are Bigger than Others, London and That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore (by Martin in Unsprung).

Total 34

Left: 4 of Chris's cue cards

 
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